I perceive, what with all of my fabulous faculties of clairvoyance, that, in the future, the human race will be overpopulated and that the act of fornication will be used merely as a tool of cardiovascular stimulation to reduce the risk of diabetes, stroke, heart disease, heart collapse, heart attack, heart disease, heart failure and heart disintegration. Procreation will be forbidden and children will be downloaded onto a hard drive, which has replaced the soul, located in the brain, in order to experience the erstwhile novelty of raising a child. This will be done via the magical Oculus Rift, which depending on your income, will actualize a handsomer baby contingent on your socioeconomic state of affairs. In otherwords, the poorer you are, the more meagre software you can afford, the more tawdry the software, the more hideous the child. Now.

The act of “sex” as we know it know will become trivialized and used for said purposes. The alleviation on mental health services will be enormous as symptoms of stress, depression, anxiety, stress and depressed stress and stressed depression will diminish considerably. There will be chrome trailers known informally as parlours and the sex shall be consensual but never intimate in any way whatsoever. No names shall be used and any expression of gratitude intimated through the use of “:)” or “:(“. There will be occasional “:o”, which will connote general horror or perhaps mild disturbance depending on the co-participant’s carnal tastes.

There will be a smartwatch that the “user” will wear with a “username” and password that monitors calorie burn, measures and heart rate, calorie burn and also heart rate. It will also monitor calorie burn. Lubrication will be provided free of charge and prophylactics completely gratuit and barebacking a thing of the neanderthal period at the turn of the millennium. “What about erectile dysfunction?!” I hear you whinge! “What if there is lack of sexual viguour on either side?!” I hear you carp above your coffee mug. Fear not, viagra, cannabis, red wine, cottage cheese. soft linens, bathtubs, candelight, sultry vapours, anything that the couple needs during the act of sexercize will be provided to stimulate arousal. Multiple failed unions result in disbarment from the parlours and could in some cases lead to castration or vasectomy. There will be a user review page also, which can prove defamatory but in most cases hilarious and anecdotal. Again, user rating will determine quality so the beasts roll with the beasts and the unicorns roll with the tigers.

The hypothetical watch ( I shall enclose diagram later ) will also factor in mood, stress levels and tailor a musical playlist via the now ubiquitous Sexify music app. Stressed? Here’s some Toro Y Moi. Saturnine? Have some Chopin. Feeling sensual? How’s about some Leonard! Feeling grotesquely randy? Here have some Sly and the family stone and here! Have some Prince for good measure you swine!

I look forward to this much needed social evolution with great anticipation.

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